This is Laura

Decided last night, in my restless efforts to get tired so I could go to sleep, to begin reading a book that was borrowed to me years ago (sorry to the borrow-ee). I've made my way to about chapter 5 already and have come to quite a few conclusions.  

1. I do not talk to God.  I make requests and I being sentences but I don't talk to Him. I dont cry out to Him. I don't beg for the forgiveness I so don't deserve, and I sure as heck don't wrestle with Him over the things that plague me minute by minute, day by day.

2. Forgiveness is something I don't understand. I do but I don't.  I began to ask Him to show me who I even need to forgive.  First up... me.  Which brings me to...

3. How do you forgive when the person you need to forgive is yourself. It's easier, way way easier, to forgive another person because you may not see them again, or see them rarely, or whatever. But you are always with yourself. Always.  And maybe it's not necessarily yourself you have to forgive but Satan... but I feel like that doesn't work because he doesn't deserve forgiveness... so I think it's really just ourselves... it's forgiving myself for giving in so easily to his temptation to sin... temptation to say things to myself that contradict the truth of Christ.

So maybe this is why I don't talk to God... because it makes me feel things and makes me open up areas that seem to be nicer and neater when they are just kept shut.

Well, I guess the clutter is a comin and there is nothing to stop it.

Oh Jesus let this become a habit. I beg of You.